The Triple Lindy

Do NOT Get Raped in Saudi Arabia

2007-12-17T16:27:00.000-08:00

People don't ever plan to get raped. But if you are going to ever get raped, DO NOT do it in Saudi Arabia (more like Saudi I-Rape-Ya!). Cause if you do get sexually violated, it will likely be a crime. For you. Yes, you can go to jail for being in a situation where YOU get raped.

The Girl of Qatif — a member of the kingdom's Shiite minority — was attacked in 2006 when she met a high school friend in his car. Two men got into the vehicle and drove them to a secluded area where five others waited, and then the woman and her companion were both raped, she said. In October 2006, she was sentenced to prison and 90 lashes for being alone with a man not related to her.

Uh..... sooo.... uh..... the DUDE got raped too!??!?! AND he had to go to jail for it?!?! Motherfucker. "Sir, for your horrendous crime of being anally raped, I sentence you to jail! You shall now spend your days and nights continuing to get raped for your immoral behavior! COURT ADJOURNED!!" I am not sure if there is a worse punishment on earth available to a male rape victim. But, the wonderfully nice King of Saudi I-Rape-Ya actually pardoned the woman. Wow... I guess you can get away with anything these days in Saudi I-Rape-Ya. They can't even keep rape victims in jail anymore. What is this world coming to?

DRATS! NOT MY MAGIC LEG!!!

2007-12-14T10:14:00.000-08:00

India's awesomeness is surpassed only by their awesomeness. We are well aware of their love for dogs. What I did not know was their affinity for magical appendages.

Two men attacked an 80-year-old, self-proclaimed holy man in southern India and chopped off his right leg, apparently believing it had magical powers, police said Thursday. Yanadi Kondaiah, who claimed that those who touched his leg would be cured of illness or have wishes granted, was hospitalized in serious condition after the attack Tuesday.

This dude must have been sweet. Well, he was a pretty cool dude when he had his magical leg. Now he is just an 80 year old geezer with only one leg. Not even a magical one at that. But how could these men simply chop off the magic leg without the 80 year old dude noticing?

Kondaiah told police that two men offered him a drink as thanks for previously helping them with his magical touch. After he passed out drunk, the men chopped off the leg below the knee with a sickle and left him to die.

Uh... there are probably not too many ways to wake up worse than waking up with one less leg than you fell asleep with. ESPECIALLY if that leg was magic and healed people of their diseases and granted wishes. "FUCK!!! MY MAGIC LEG!!!! Has anyone seen a magical leg!! I know I had it when I fell asleep!"

I am not well versed in the powers of magical appendages, but I am going to go out on a limb and say they are not too common. So when you do have one you better keep good care of it. And by keep good care of it I mean not letting people chop it off in your sleep.

Well hopefully the men who stole it will continue to put the leg to good use. Do magic legs keep their power even after they are severed from their original owner? Would anyone with a magical appendage with the power to heal and grant wishes please let me know. I want to look into getting magical power installed in my penis. But only have the magic cure hot women. Naturally.

Really? This is surprising???

2007-12-13T11:57:00.000-08:00

George Mitchell's "shocking" report on steroids in baseball came out today. Some of the "surprising names" on the list include Roger Clemens, Miguel Tejada, and Andy Pettitte. I honestly don't know how any rational person can be shocked AT ALL that some of the best players in the league have taken some sort of steroid. I find it hard to believe that people can be so naive. I can believe that people don't WANT to believe it- they don't WANT to know that some of their favorite players have "cheated" the game. With the amount of money to be made in sports, I am shocked when players HAVEN'T done some sort of performance enhancing drug.

Let's see- I am making $2 million a year as the player I am now and my contract is up this season. I can do a few cycles of HGH, stay healthier thruout the season, and then sign a new $9 million dollar a year contract. It's a no brainer. I would think it would be even tougher for a young player stuck in the minor leagues to stay away from some sort of performance boost. Make $40k a year in the minors, or millions in the majors- you just have to hit 20 more home runs and bat 40 points higher. Again, no brainer at all.

Baseball turned a blind eye to the problem since fans love seeing players hit a million home runs and throw the ball 4,000 miles an hour. What WOULD surprise me is if I found out that the majority of players in baseball haven't at least tried a performance enhancing drug at some point in their career.

Roger Clemens is a 45 year old pitcher who still throws in the high 90s. The fact that ANYBODY is shocked that he took (or continues to take) steroids is what shocks ME. I love watching players continue to get bigger, stronger, faster, better. I honestly don't care that much if steroids were involved. Either test the shit out of the players and make sure EVERYONE is totally clean, or let them do some juice and hit the ball 600 feet.

Facemelting Cats

2007-12-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

You see that shit?!? Yea. It's a fucking GLOWING CAT!!! Finally, a cat I might consider buying.

South Korean scientists have cloned cats by manipulating a fluorescent protein gene, a procedure which could help develop treatments for human genetic diseases, officials said Wednesday. In a side-effect, the cloned cats glow in the dark when exposed to ultraviolet beams.

Side effect?? More like an awesome effect. That shit is insane! That would be amazing to have a glowing animal cruising around my place. Pretty cool nightlight too. Actually the coolest nightlight ever.

The technology can also help clone endangered animals like tigers, leopards and wildcats.

AWESOME! I want to see every animal glow. How sweet would the zoo be at night if all of the animals were glowing! "Oh, look honey, A GLOWING BEAR! Let's not forget to stop by to see the glowing tigers and the glowing monkeys."

Lesson of the Day

2007-12-12T15:08:00.000-08:00

Today's life lesson: How to stick it to those annoying airport security guards. With all these crazy rules in place, how can you possibly keep track of what you can and can't bring on a plane? Bathroom supplies? Of course you can bring them on. IF they are in a container of 3.4 ounces or less. Because as everyone knows, nothing is easier on earth to make than a liquid bomb. But the catch is you need at least 3.5 ounces of liquid. You could never do anything with 10 bottles of 3.4 oz explosives. Water bottles? No way, Jose. They could be used as explosives! So no liquid beverages past security. Unless you can stay hydrated on 3.4 ounces, of course. So when you get to the security line, and you are carrying 8 lbs of bathroom supplies, 9 Gatorades, 4 red bulls and 3 gallons of water, Security will ask you to throw all of your precious liquids in the trash. Well you can either obey their request, or do what possibly the smartest man alive did.

This dude (we will call him Vodka McAwesome) had 2 pints of vodka in his bag. Security asked Mr. McAwesome to either throw it away or pay extra money to have his bag checked. He kindly denied either option, and instead drank BOTH LITERS OF VODKA. Oh, and then he almost died. Oh, and he is 64.

A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing two pints of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new rules about carrying liquids aboard a plane, police said Wednesday. Instead, he chugged the vodka — and was quickly unable to stand or otherwise function, police said.

So there is your daily life lesson. Straight from Vodka McAwesome, a 64 year old man in Germany. If you don't want to throw out your (insert beverage more than 3.4 ounces of your choice), just drink it all. And drink it really, really fast. Thank you, Mr. McAwesome

Examining Christmas Traditions

2007-12-12T10:43:00.000-08:00

After doing some in depth research into the traditions of Christmas, I wanted to share with you some interesting findings. I know many of you are wondering where certain traditions came from, like why the F do people put trees in their living room? Or why does an obese old man enjoy circumnavigating the globe in order to break into your house via the chimney? Why do people line up at 4 am to spend money they shouldn't be spending (and act like rabid animals in the process)?

We all know that God yelled: "THERE SHALL NOT SIMPLY BE BOUNCY HOUSES AND CAKE FOR MY SON FOR HIS BIRTHDAY! The world shall celebrate in unison, by buying many gifts for each other, placing a tree in their living room, and praying to my son! And I shall have a giant fat man in a bright red suit bring presents to all the faithful Christians in the world! AND SO IT WAS WRITTEN, AND SO IT SHALL BE!!!" But what does it all mean?

First, let's take a deeper look at Santa Claus. You know, the fat dude in the red suit. What are his origins? How has he lived for thousands of years, and what sort of technology does he use to get his reindeer to fly around the world? What is (and was) his relationship to Jesus? If you look on Wikipedia, you will find some convoluted story about St. Nicholas and him being a patron saint for the poor blah blah blah... Here is the truth:

Santa was created by God to help Jesus (and the rest of the world) celebrate his birthday. God did not want Jesus (his only son) to have a crappy, normal birthday with cake and bouncy houses like the rest of the kids on Earth. So God gave Santa a place to live in the North Pole, made him fat, dressed him in a bright red suit, and gave him a milk and cookie addiction so Santa could not run away and take his special gift giving and partying abilities to anyone else (like Satan or Muhammad).

Now, as you can see from the image above, God had Santa look over Jesus from an early age. Santa of course needed transportation to travel the world and remind everyone that it is Jesus' birthday (by giving all the good boys and girls presents). So, God used his ultimate power and wisdom to think up the fastest mode of transportation possible! FLYING REINDEER! The only flying reindeer known to exist. God also made Santa promise to take Jesus on a world tour before his death, which of course Santa could now do easily with the use of his magical mode of travel. And still to this day, Santa lives in the North Pole, gorging himself on cookies and milk, patiently waiting for Jesus' birthday so he can once again help the world celebrate his virgin birth.
Now why do people decide to cut down perfectly healthy trees and place them in their houses? Again, Wikipedia will tell some story about Germanic origins, or Martin Luther decorating a tree in his house to symbolize the way stars shined at night. More BS. God wanted the celebration of his only son to be the biggest celebration in all of the world! So even when people were in the comfort of their homes, he wanted a tree to be dying and leaving its pine needles everywhere to remind people that Jesus is all around them, and may be in the form of a pine needle. Also, Jesus loved to climb trees as a child, and was an architect (using wood to build) so looking at a tree reminds us of his fondness for trees and lumber. And as you can clearly see in the picture above, if a christmas tree is cut down and NOT placed inside a house, it bursts into flames.

A more recent trend is the wonderful shopping addiction that people around the world have come to embrace. Mostly in the United States, people have decided that "I WILL NOT WAIT UNTIL 10 AM TO START MY SHOPPING AFTER THANKSGIVING!!! I SHALL SHOP STARTING AT 4 AM!!!" And on top of that, these normal shoppers do not let ANYTHING (especially people) stand in their way. Some great video here, here (get your ass up and out of the way, lady! I AM TRYIN TO SHOP FOR JESUS!), here and here, and here shows just how dedicated people are to spend their money to respect and honor Jesus' birthday. And these videos also show that while people love spending their money for Jesus, it is MUCH more important to buy things on sale. If something is awesome at full price, it is WAY MORE awesome at 30% off.

So I hope I was able to clear up some of the misconceptions and lies about the wonderful holiday that celebrates the virgin birth of Jesus Christ. Happy Virgin Birth of Jesus Christ to Everyone!

Is Nothing Sacred? Pt. 3

2007-12-12T10:00:00.001-08:00

Australia, which I always think of as extremely awesome and laidback, has stooped to lows only the United States would go to. Santas at malls are not allowed to say "Ho, Ho, Ho!" Why, you ask? Isn't this one of the most important traditions of Santa (who we all know was Jesus' chauffeur on Jesus' trip around the world. More on that in a different post) to say "HO, HO, HO!"?

Santas in Australia's largest city have been told not to use Father Christmas's traditional "ho ho ho" greeting because it may be offensive to women. Santa Clauses have instead been instructed to say "ha ha ha." One disgruntled Santa told the newspaper a recruitment firm warned him not to use "ho ho ho" because it could frighten children and was too close to "ho."

Are you freaking kidding me??? So something Santa has been saying since Jesus was immaculately conceived over 2000 years ago is now offensive to women? Do people REALLY think that Santa saying "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has ANY reference WHATSOEVER to calling women "ho's" or whores? Consider my mind boggled. I can't wait for Santa to be offensive to fat people. Or, maybe Santa will be banned from being fat because it encourages people to be overweight. "Whore, whore, whore!!! MERRRRRRY CHRIST'S VIRGIN BIRTH DAY!"

Month Hiatus is over

2007-12-12T09:24:00.000-08:00

No excuses for the month long layoff... Don't know if anyone is still checking this site, but hopefully you are. I wouldn't blame you after no posts for a month. But, alas, I am back on the blogging wagon.

Indians like their Doggystyle to be authentic

2007-11-13T15:29:00.001-08:00

India decided to prove to the world that they are very normal.

A man in southern India married a female dog in a traditional Hindu ceremony as an attempt to atone for stoning two other dogs to death.

First of all, are there any other types of dog weddings besides the "traditional" ones? I have personally never been to an "untraditional" dog wedding. And second, what the hell is this guy getting two dogs so stoned that they fucking die? What kind of drugs are they doing...

On a more serious note, this guy should be glad he doesn't live in the U.S. People made Michael Vick out to be the Anti-Christ after finding out about his dog fighting ring. This Indian dude would be thrown in jail for life here in the States. Vick should consider moving to India, marrying a dog, and being done with his whole fiasco.

No word yet on how the marriage night went, or if they used traditional doggystye to consummate their love. Supposedly, the dog was the town whore, and had been done by pretty much every dog in the neighborhood. However, she was still a virgin to a human penis, making her very desirable. I guess in the Indian community, such a thing is very rare.

Good News, Bad News

2007-11-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

"Good news: The surgery went wonderful, you seem to be recovering nicely and the organ transplant is working great! Bad news: You have AIDS... Soooooo... yea... kind of a bummer..."

An organ donor infected four transplant patients with the AIDS virus in what a donor group says is the first such transmission in the U.S. in at least 13 years.

Probably not the diagnosis the patients were looking for at their most recent check up. Or I guess it could have been a call too.

"Hello, Mr. Johnson? Yes, this is Dr. Octagon from the hospital. Um... Yea... So... You remember that liver transplant from January? You do... Good... Well.... Yea... Ya see... the thing is... The donor had AIDS... Soooo... you... now... have... AIDS... You haven't been having any sex for the last 11 months, have you? Ooooohh.... Yea, then your wife? Yea.... probably AIDS... Oh, you have a girlfriend? Definitely AIDS..."

Simcha Felder: Genius

2007-11-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

Pigeons. They are dumb. And annoying. And I am pretty sure they are useless. Unless you really need some urban target practice. Basically just a flying rat that would like nothing more than to eat your food scraps and shit on you out of the air. Well there is a genius in NYC who is looking to do something about these turds of the sky.

City Councilman Simcha Felder on Monday called on the city to levy a fine of as much as $1,000 on people feeding pigeons, distribute bird contraceptives, and employ hawks to scare the birds away.

Um. AWESOME! My favorite would be to have trained hawks swoop in and murderize these dumb pigeons. London is already ahead of the curve on this one.

London has outlawed feeding pigeons in Trafalgar Square and brought in trained hawks to kill them.

That is seriously one of the coolest things ever. I would PAY to sit in Trafalgar Square to see these sweet hawks dominate the pigeons. But unfortunately for NYC, it will be really hard to fine homeless people, gypsies, vagrants, drunks, and bag ladies $1k for feeding their only friends. I vote for killer hawks!

FINALLY!

2007-11-08T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have already gone down to South America to get my face lift, botox, lipo, tummy tuck, breast enhancement, ass implants, calf implants, forearm implants, cleft chin, nose job and cheek implants on the cheap. But the one thing they didn't have was motherfucking abdominal etching! And I have ALWAYS wanted abdominal etching. ALWAYS! You have never heard of abdominal etching? What, have you been living under a rock?

The technique, called abdominal etching, is a kind of precision liposuction. The doc sucks out the fat that's standing between the patient and, if everything goes well, the six-pack. The suction six-pack costs between $4,000 and $7,000.

Awesome! In today's hustle bustle world, who has time to eat right and work out. In between closing deals, I am usually closing a deal or about to close a deal so this would be perfect for me. And look at the picture, the guy looks TOTALLY normal. Flabby boobs and a rock hard, cartoon looking six-pack. As normal as can be. Plastic Surgery: Now Six-Pack-Tastic!

And so it was written (Pt. 2): THOU SHALL NOT SCRIBBLE IN THINE NOTEBOOK!

2007-11-08T13:23:00.000-08:00

I have never gone to school in India, but it seems like a lovely place to get an education. But one thing they will not tolerate: Scribbling in notebooks. So be warned- if you enroll in class in India, for your own health I would advise you to not do anything resembling scribbling. Because the teacher may beat you to death if you break this age old rule.

A 14-year-old boy died after his teacher allegedly beat him in class for scribbling in his notebook, police said Wednesday.
"My son's fault was that he was scribbling in his notebook" and writing over his teacher's signature, the boy's father, Satya Prakash, told the Hindustan Times.
The teacher, whose name was not released, then beat the boy until he collapsed, the father was quoted as saying.

Pretty standard punishment for scribbling. And the Education Minister certainly seems concerned:

"There is no scope for corporal punishment in our schools," Education Minister Arvinder Singh told the newspaper. "If the teacher is found guilty, I will take strict action."

Uhhhhhhhh... So I guess "no scope" translates to "it's cool to beat your student to death for pretty much anything whatsoever since there are no laws really preventing this."? And I thought the kid doling out hugs at school was a menace to society. Scribbling shall not be tolerated in any way, shape, or form. DEATH THE THE SCRIBBLERS!

And so it was written: THOU SHALL NOT HUG!

2007-11-08T09:38:00.000-08:00

Continuing to prove the stupidity and insanity of our country, a student in Illinois has earned detention for the horrific crime of hugging a friend. HOW DARE THEY! (And not how dare the school for suspending the student, how dare that little shit try to hug a friend. BLASPHEMY!).

The eighth-grader was punished for violating a school policy banning public displays of affection when she hugged two friends Friday.

Let's get real here for a second. This type of behavior cannot be allowed at our schools. Because its a slippery slope. First, kids are hugging. Next, they are making out in class. And before you know it, there is a full on gang bang in the quad at recess. And there is nothing you could do to stop it at that point. As the school clearly states, no PDA (and that stands for Public Displays of Affection. Not your Palm Pilot or Treo you dumbshit):

Displays of affection should not occur on the school campus at any time. It is in poor taste, reflects poor judgment, and brings discredit to the school and to the persons involved.

Exactly. If there is anything that is in poorer taste and judgment than a hug, someone please let me know. My only thought is that the punishment did not fit the crime. I would say jail time is the MINIMUM that this punk rule-breaking kid deserves.

These airplanes are making me tired!

2007-11-06T15:22:00.001-08:00

I always have trouble sleeping on planes. Unless I drink a bunch of booze or throw back some pills (Thank you Mexico!) I will maybe get a half hour of sleep at a time. Pilots don't seem to have the same "trouble sleeping on flights" problem I have.

Two commercial pilots allegedly fell asleep on a flight between Baltimore and Denver, with one pilot waking up to "frantic" calls from air traffic controllers warning them they were approaching the airport at twice the speed allowed.

So, yea. BOTH pilots were dead asleep until they randomly woke up to the air tower basically yelling at them "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU IDIOTS DOING!?!?!? SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!!!!! YOU ARE GOING TO FUCKING CRASH!"

"Last 45 mins of flt (flight) I fell asleep and so did the FO (first officer)," according to the narrative in the report.

45 minutes of the flight! I don't know if I have ever fallen asleep for 45 minutes in a row of ANY flight I have been on. And I didn't happen to be FLYING THE PLANE at the time! This seems like one of those stories where the Joker or Penguin snuck into the cabin and started gassing everyone with his super secret ball point pen filled with poison gas. If I was ever in a plane crash, I would definitely be happy with the reason for the crash being "Pilots fell asleep."

Apparently the Chinese think "Olympics" means "Athletic Torture"

2007-11-06T14:49:00.000-08:00

I honestly have no clue what China thinks "Olympics" means, or what sort of events they think take place during the Olympic Games. But obviously they think that training for these events starts when you are about 8 and involve practice that not even an adult would do. So, with the 2008 Olympics coming up in Beijing, China is getting "prepared." How, you ask? Well, by having their children to totally awesome, fun athletic things that all kids do.

Zhang Huimin spent the summer running 40 miles a day from her home on the southern island province of Hainan to Beijing in northern China, her father trailing behind her on an electric bicycle.

40 miles. A day. 8 years old. I have not ran 40 miles in a month TOTAL in my entire life. What the hell is a little 8 year old doing running 40 miles a day!!?! Oh, and you thought that normal swimming was exercise enough, well think again you pussy.

Last month, a father in southern China tied his 10-year-old daughter Huang Li's hands and feet and watched her swim in a chilly river for three hours.

What? Your father never bound your hands and feet when you were 10 and watched you swim in a river? Am I the crazy one here? Seems pretty normal to me. And the reason these parents are letting their kids have so much fun?

Both men said they were helping their daughters achieve their dreams — one of running in the Olympics, the other of swimming across the English Channel.

Because we all know what the most prestigious event in the Olympics is: The 40 mile run. And for my money, nothing beats swimming the English Channel. Now I am not sure if having your hands and feet bound will make you a better swimmer, but I can't imagine why not! Best of luck to these kids who obviously have bright and enjoyable futures to look forward to. Futures that will likely include 100 mile days running and 50 mile swims. Oh, if only I could be born again as a child in China.... Sigh...

Biggest. Assholes. Ever.

2007-10-31T16:46:00.000-07:00

I am not a huge fan of the U.S.'s compete and utter destruction of the country formerly known as Iraq. However, the troops that are over there have my support, as they are basically just puppets in the current Presidential office's insatiable appetite for oil. It looks like a church in Kansas isn't really down with the whole "support our troops" thing.

[The] Kansas church that pickets military funerals out of a belief that the war in Iraq is a punishment for the nation's tolerance of homosexuality.

Church members routinely picket funerals of military personnel killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, carrying signs such as "Thank God for dead soldiers" and "God hates fags."

Are you fucking kidding me? A soldier comes home in a body bag, and this church literally goes around the country and pickets the FUNERAL to protest homosexuality? That doesn't even make any sense! First of all, we CHOSE to go to Iraq, so how does that have a single thing to do with homosexuality? Let me try and figure this out. America likes oil, and we like to destroy countries so our country's contractors can get paid billions to rebuild it. All in the name of the "War on Terror." But this somehow translates into a sign from God that homosexuality is wrong? At least this church got dominated in court.

The jury first awarded $2.9 million in compensatory damages. It returned in the afternoon with its decision to award $6 million in punitive damages for invasion of privacy and $2 million for causing emotional distress.

Hopefully this makes this fucked up church go bankrupt and disappear. Picketing funerals? The only thing that could possibly be worse is picketing the funeral of a person that you actually killed. I wish a huge group would loudly protest outside of this church of assholes every Sunday... So disgusting.

Paying Full Price for Plastic Surgery is SO Yesterday

2007-10-31T12:58:00.001-07:00

I know what you are thinking. You have ALWAYS wanted that tummy tuck/ face lift/ boob job/ lip enhancement/ liposuction. But those high prices have really got you down. Well, it looks like the cure for your plastic surgery blues is here. Just head on down to South America, where you will find plenty of doctors and low, low, low prices on your plastic surgery needs.

A face lift that might cost $15,000 in the United States costs roughly $5,000 in Argentina, or a combination breast implant and liposuction combination might cost $3,700.

BOOYA! I am on the first flight down to Argentina. $5000 is SO much more reasonable than $15k for that face lift I have been wanting since my 15th birthday. So that could just be an added bonus to the trip. And, what could go wrong by having the surgery in South America?

Critics say offers that look too good to be true probably are, as 34-year-old D. Anderson -- who did not want her full first name published -- found when a botched breast lift and tummy tuck led to a nine-day hospital stay upon her return home to Texas.

Anderson said she got a life-threatening infection and had to return three times to Argentina for corrections on her surgery, but problems persist.

"I ended up with a hematoma in my left breast, which is hard as a rock. My right nipple is the size of a silver dollar and my left nipple is the size of a quarter," she said. "I had nice boobs to begin with. So I went from nice boobs to uneven, crazy boobs."

Pfft. So you have crazy boobs. Who cares? Stop crying about it. I am sure that they are much better now than your natural, small boobs. Different size nipples is totally normal, too.

I can't wait for my Surgery-Tourism trip down South! I am trying to get a group together so we can see the sights of South America, as well as improve our appearance. And for all of you ladies out there,

In Colombia, 40 new clinics have opened up to serve tens of thousands of foreigners a year, many of them in Cali, a city where drug gangsters notoriously seek girlfriends who have had plastic surgery.

So that could just be an added bonus to the trip. Come home with a cheap boob job (that may or may not be safe) AND a drug gangster boyfriend. That, my friends, is the definition of win-win.

The Price of the $100 Laptop is...

2007-10-30T11:48:00.000-07:00

Only $200!!! What a deal! Today I went to Nordstrom's half yearly sale, and everything was only twice the price! Do I love sales...

I understand that the "$100" laptop is for poor, mostly underdeveloped areas (which is obviously a good thing) and that $200 is still not a bad price to get some kids laptops. But they might want to have thought about that before touting the "$100 laptop."

You say that you want one for the $200 price? No problem!

The One Laptop per Child Foundation, founded by MIT Professor Nicholas Negroponte, has started offering the lime-green-and-white machines in lots of 10,000 for $200 apiece on its Web site.

So if you have $200k lying around and you have always really want a buttload of cheap laptops, your dream has come true. If you only want 100+ laptops, then it will cost you $299 each. Buying 10,000 seems like even more of a bargain now...

The Definition of Ironical

2007-10-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

If there was one piece of advice you would want from Britney "Definitely Not Addicted to Any Drugs" Spears' mom, what would it be? How to be a mouskateer? How to live in a horrible downward spiral fueled by terrible decisions, drugs, more bad decisions, hemorrhaging money, and more drugs? How to get knocked up by the master of the Popozao? How to have another baby with the master of the Popozao? Keep guessing, cause you aren't even close. And no, it's not how to ensure that your daughter has at least a 75% chance of OD-ing or committing suicide while being filmed by paparazzi.

A publisher said on Friday that the pop star's mother is writing a book about parenting.

Religious publisher Thomas Nelson said it will publish "Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World," by Lynne Spears. Nelson spokesman Curt Harding said the book, to be out next spring, will be about Lynne Spears' raising three children and will have a religious element.

Shocker. It will have religions elements. Because, as EVERYBODY knows, if Britney simply turned to God to help her out, she would be A-Ok! She would be back on top of the pop charts, selling out stadiums and making millions of greenbacks.

Alternative titles are:
"Who Hasn't Seen My Daughter's Vagina Yet?"
"How your daughter can do insane amounts of drugs with no one to stop her" and
"My Daughter is Britney Spears. Fuck you."

The Art of the Poop Pt. 1

2007-10-26T10:46:00.000-07:00

Ah, pooping. Something that men love to talk about and women pretend they don’t do. How ironic that you may be pooping this very minute while reading this. Because it is such a large part of our daily biological process, there are some extremely enjoyable results, as well as some less than desirable locations and outcomes of dropping anchor. There are all shapes and sizes, and many different surroundings to leave your fecal waste. You can have the pinnacle of pooping- the “three solid turd, single wipe in a fancy big bathroom poop.” There are also situations that could qualify as pure hell- the “10^th burning lava flow diarrhea of the day that torches my butthole while in a port a potty.”

We have all had diarrhea. And we would all agree it is one of the least enjoyable experiences during a typical week. This is what never quite makes sense to me- I have never remembered eating 100 red hot peppers, with a side of sand paper, and washed that down with a glass of hot lava.

And yet, this is quite obviously what comes out of my backside exit during these rare yet horrifically unpleasant lava flows. And on the 4^th hot mud river filled with shards of glass, you feel like you have completely blown out your O-ring. Diarrhea is obviously much, much less pleasant when you do not have the pleasure of at least being in the comfort of a decent bathroom.

Which brings the biggest daily dilemma of the poop: Location. Because what comes out of your body has already been pre-determined. Your body has digested whatever you ate several hours ago, and it is time to release the hounds. The location, however, is open to personal choice. At work, I almost NEVER take a dump on my office floor. Way too much traffic and not clean enough. Multiple times a day, I get in the elevator and go to a different floor to the (mostly) much cleaner and MUCH quieter surroundings.

Call me crazy, but I do not have fun making lots of “noise” while other people are milling around in the same pee/poo depository as I am. And why do so few bathrooms have doors and walls that go all the way to the floor?? Maybe there is some security or safety issues involved, but I really don’t need to know what brand of shoes my bathroom neighbor is wearing while we each drop the remains of our lunch into a small pool of water. I have been to public restrooms that feature their own enclosed rooms in which to dump. Is it too much to ask to have just a little more privacy while doing the 2?

For example, here is a shitty situation that has happened to all of us: You print out a article long enough to last you thru your poop, you find a nice quiet bathroom in which to relieve yourself, you wipe down the seat, and make yourself at home. No more than 10 seconds after you sit down, and 1 second before the Brown October is launched, someone comes barreling into the bathroom goes into the stall next to you, quickly sits down, drops their pants, and before you can blink there are explosions sounding like M-80s going off less than 18 inches from you. AWESOME! Now this experience would be much more tolerable if there was at least a solid wall between you and the feces heavy artillery going off.

I have many (probably too many) thoughts about pooping. Be on the look out for a ranking system, so you can say “Oh, man that dump was a 10!” and everyone will know what you mean. Or, conversely, you can say “Bad day bro. That dump was a 1, maybe 1.5.” Again, little to no explanation will be needed.

To be continued….

These Whores Mean Business!

2007-10-24T19:00:00.001-07:00

Fuckin A. Whores do NOT mess around in Bolivia. Well, just don't take away their ability to get paid to get laid. Or, basically, they will kill themselves.

Prostitutes in the Bolivian city of El Alto sewed their lips together on Wednesday as part of a hunger strike to demand that the mayor reopen brothels and bars ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week.

They literally SEWED THEIR MOUTHS SHUT. To protest. I am not exactly well versed in the art of protest, but sewing my lips together would probably be about #1,045,054 on my list of "ways to protest the closing of my business." I think of a rally, a march, demonstrations, speeches in a large public place, or maybe even some rioting with the local police. Oh, what's that? Hold the phone, because the whores aren't done yet:

"Tomorrow we will bury ourselves alive if we are not immediately heard. The mayor will have his conscience to answer to if there are any grave consequences, such as the death of my comrades," she said, surrounded by about 10 prostitutes who had sewn their lips together with thread.

Now if sewing my mouth shut is somewhere in the top 1 million range, I would say being buried alive would definitely be somewhere in the top 2 million. It would probably be after "pulling off my fingernails" and "chopping off my toes."

And to make sure that the whores are not alone in their traditional hunger strike,

Student activists who want the bars and brothels permanently shut down were also on a hunger strike, along with the leaders of an association representing bars, restaurants and karaoke establishments.

So, yea. Not much eating going on in La Paz right now. Maybe the restaurant owner should go on a hunger strike to protest both the activists and prostitutes not eating in their establishments. That would make about as much sense as burying yourself alive. Bad news for the whores though:

Mayor Fanor Nava told local radio he would not reopen the brothels and bars closed after city residents fed up with underage drinking and crime stormed the red-light district in El Alto, an impoverished city just north of La Paz.

It looks like they better be well versed in the art of digging. But I do respect their desire to continue to have sex for money. Any prostitute willing to sew their mouths shut, and then bury themselves alive for their right to trade vagina for cash REALLY loves their job. A lot. Anyway, have fun with that being buried alive thing. I hope that goes really well for you.

Slow day on the Diving Board

2007-10-23T14:08:00.000-07:00

Slow day on the site... Apologies to all. I actually have a day job (sadly), and sometimes I need to do work (more sadness). I will try to get a few updates today, but no promises. Now go close that deal/ finish that spreadsheet/ call that account/ eat that sandwich/ get yelled at by your boss/ avoid doing work/ take that dump/ make fun of your co-worker...

He prefers "Irrelevant" and "Meaningless"

2007-10-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

Pat McQuaid, the main cheese for cycling, is offering up a stern warning to the sport if it does not address and deal with its doping issues/ scandals:

"Either we fix this (doping) beyond doubt or cycling as we have known it -- in all its glory -- will become a travesty of a sport, a fraud for the public, and a shame for us in this room."

When referring to cycling in "all its glory," he is implying that "we currently have one large race that people even give a minuscule crap about. If people don't even care about that race, then we are basically fucked."

You have to be pretty worried about your sport when the ONLY news comes when one of your athletes gets caught using illegal performance enhancing drugs.

McQuaid finished up the conference by saying, "Current words like 'meaningless,' 'irrelevant,' and 'barely newsworthy' are words we would like to continue to be associated with cycling. 'Fraud' and 'Travesty' have no place in our sport!"

NYC Taxi drivers allergic to technology

2007-10-22T10:53:00.000-07:00

About 7,000 NYC Taxi drivers are on strike today, refusing to have new technology installed into their cabs.

Some of the city's taxi drivers went on strike Monday to protest new rules requiring installation of equipment that would let passengers watch TV, pay with credit cards and check their location on GPS.

Why would I want to be able to pay with a credit card??? Or use GPS in the cab? Uh..... Do the taxi drivers know that this is a business, and making it easier for the customers would be a good thing???

The Taxi Workers Alliance said it called the strike because the technology is a costly invasion of cabbies' privacy and works erratically at best.

Invasion on privacy? What??? Do the taxi drivers know what the word privacy even means? How is being able to use my credit card to pay for a taxi fare invading the drivers privacy. And watching TV is invading on their privacy as well? Oh, and good thing that "erratic at best" is only 99%.

The Taxi and Limousine Commission said earlier this month that its tests showed the technology worked more than 99 percent of the time.

That is pretty erratic if you ask me. 99% is basically the definition of erratic.

Whether they want to admit it or not, the taxi drivers are probably afraid that the installation of Johnny Cabs are right around the corner. They are simply trying to keep ANY technology upgrades out if the taxi's so they can keep their jobs before the Johnny Cab arrives. In the documentary Total Recall, which takes place in 2084, there are Johnny Cabs everywhere- meaning that they were obviously first installed many years before 2084. Your time is almost up, human taxi drivers! I just hope I get to live until 2084. Because I have always wanted to see three boobs on one woman.

Your son isn't even allowed to THINK about guns

2007-10-22T08:52:00.000-07:00

We all know that the #1 problem plaguing America's schools are crayon drawings of kids with guns. When one of these drawings of death come to light, schools have adopted a very strict "zero tolerance policy." But are the penalties severe enough?

A second-grader's drawing of a stick figure shooting a gun earned him a one-day school suspension.

Surely by 7 years old, children should be able to do two things:
1. Draw MUCH better than a god damn stick figure! What the hell is going on in second grade these days? When I was in second grade I was recreating DaVinci's paintings free hand and sculpting life size giraffes out of clay.
2. Certainly know what "zero tolerance policy" means.
I am sure that all of the second graders were handed out a written copy of the zero tolerance policy that very plainly described drawings, including stick figures, were strictly forbidden. But this stick figure was just the first pebble of the crayon drawing landslide.

Kyle drew other pictures, including a skateboarder, King Tut, a ghost, a tree and a Cyclops, the newspaper reported.

JESUS! This kid must be stopped immediately! The school must have some sort of policy against drawing ghosts (things that don't exist) and Cyclops (things that only exist in Kentucky. Fairly common knowledge based on in breeding). I think a 3 month suspension is in order. You need to get your priorities straight, and get your life back on track, Kyle!

Because we all know what happens next if this sort of behavior goes unchecked. First, the second graders are drawing stick figures of guns. Next thing you know, the first graders are bringing heavy artillery to school, the second graders are bringing Howitzers, the 3rd graders are bringing home made RPGs, and the Teachers are strapping suicide bomb vests to themselves. Its a very scary, yet very natural and logical progression. And then we have an all out war on our hands. And who wants that?

In related news, a kindergarten student was expelled when it was discovered he had watched once seen a picture of a gun in a magazine at home.

Noogie from Bob??? CRAP!! I thought you said Nuclear Bombs!

2007-10-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Proving that only the best and the brightest continue to join the U.S. Military:

six nuclear-armed missiles were erroneously flown from an air base in North Dakota to a base in Louisiana in late August.

What's the big deal? Weapons of uber destruction being mistakenly shipped across the country and not being accounted for? People need to calm down. Oh, wait, it gets better:

After arriving at Barksdale, the B-52 sat on a runway for hours with the missiles before the breach was known — meaning a total of 36 hours passed before the missiles were properly secured, officials have said.

Nothing like having some nukes just chillin on a runway. But fortunately, the Air Force Secretary has it all under control. I will let him explain:

"We are making all appropriate changes to ensure this has a minimal chance of ever happening again," Air Force Secretary Michael W. Wynne told reporters.

Well that's all we can ask for, right? A MINIMAL chance of it not happening again? I wouldn't want to really stretch it, have the Air Force over exert themselves and say that this would NEVER happen again.

"Uh, sir. I, uh, don't uh, know how to put this. You know those nuclear bombs we were storing here. Yea..... Ya see, the thing is..... uh...... Well don't get mad. Uh...... How do I say this....Well I am just going to go ahead and say it..... Uh..... Well, we mistakenly shipped them to Louisiana.... Yeeeeaaa... sooooooooo.... we might want to have someone look into that...."

10 Minutes of Goodness for your Friday

2007-10-19T12:07:00.001-07:00

No need to watch the entire made for VH1 movie "Totally Awesome." Just watch these 10 minutes featuring Tracy Morgan and prepare to laugh. If you have watched this already, you should probably watch it again.

Is Nothing Sacred? Pt. 2

2007-10-19T11:57:00.001-07:00

The Two Coreys have officially broken up! Easily one of the top 3 million saddest days ever. The duo, who were last relevant no more than 20 years ago, recently did a "definitely not scripted at all reality show" together. Obviously it didn't not do wonders for their friendship.

"We are not in great shape these days," the former "Surreal Life" star (Feldman) told US Weekly."We had a bit of a falling out."

I honestly never thought this day would come. Let's be honest- how can Lost Boys 2: The Tribe possibly the blockbuster smash everyone thinks it will be without one of its major stars? I just don't see that movie making the hundreds of dollars without the second Corey. At least Corey Haim is in production on a blockbuster of his own.

Is Nothing Sacred?

2007-10-19T11:25:00.000-07:00

Rocktober, everyone's favorite nickname for October, is under attack. The Colorado Rockies are attempting to trademark the word so no one else can sell any merchandise bearing the word. (They are dubbing their run to the World Series as Rocktober). I can't honestly see how they have any case to trademark such a beloved word. There would be soooooo many pissed program managers at rock radio stations across the country. You know that they look forward to Rocktober EVERY year. Not only is it their favorite month, it is probably their favorite word. "You are listening to KXXX!!! ROCKING YOU THRU ALLLLLLLL OF ROCKTOBER!!! AND NOW BACK TO 50 MINUTES OF NON STOP RRRRRRRRRRRROCK!!! IN ROCKTOBER!!!"

Anyway, there is no way the Rockies could actually obtain the trademark rights, because they would have to deal with Randy Reiss first. And if I know the Reiss-ster as well as I think I do, the Rockies will regret the day they even THOUGHT about messing with him. He lives by one motto and one motto only- Two Men Enter, One Man Leaves.

And I can literally smell poop!

2007-10-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

A group of researchers (more like a group of retards) are conducting a study on elephants in Kenya. During their research they came to a not-surprising-at-all conclusion. They are claiming that elephants can "literally smell fear!"

The study in Kenya found elephants detected both the scents and colors of garments worn by Masai tribesman who often come into conflict with the animals when herding cattle.

Basically, there are only two tribes that live around the elephants in Kenya. The Masai are trouble. The Kamba (other tribe) don't bother the elephants. So the elephants aren't "smelling fear" you idiot scientists- they know that the Masai are a pain in the ass, they wear the exact same bright red clothes every day, obviously smell real bad, and so the elephants run away from them. Shocker.

Let's say a dog owner beats his dog everyday for a week after he wakes up at 6 am. By day 8, the dog is nowhere to be found around 6 in the morning. HOLY CRAP, THAT MEANS DOGS CAN TELL TIME!

Your Weekly $11 Savings

2007-10-19T09:05:00.000-07:00

On a weekly basis, I will try to save you all roughly $11 (depending on where you live) by letting you know what movie to NOT see. With enough discipline, you could save yourself $500-1000 this year by simply listening to me. More importantly, you will not have wasted hundreds of hours of your life watching crap masked as an actual movie.

There are many movies that I don't need to see to know that they will indeed suck. If the producers can't make a 90 second trailer entertaining, then what the fuck are they going to do when they have 90 full minutes?! And if they can't pull a few minutes of laughs from their full hour and a half waste of time, you just KNOW that the suckitude will be completely off the charts. This week's movie is the sure to be suck fest, The Comebacks. I even like David Koechner a lot (better known as Champ Kind from Anchorman. WHAMMY!!!) but he is not "leading role in a full length feature comedy material." Watch plenty of clips here if you are really bored. If you think the clips are funny, you pretty much need your ass kicked. You will go pay the $11 and Hollywood will continue to make this shit. How dare you.

So in advance, you are welcome. You are $11 and 90 minutes richer. Enjoy.

Who said World of Warcraft is for dorks?

2007-10-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

If you aren't one of the 2.5 million that have already watched this, then enjoy. The highlight is about 60 seconds in. I don't understand what the fuck these guys are saying for most of it. If you DO understand it, then shame on you.

LEROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JEEEEEEEENKINS!!!

Best. Tattoo. Ever.

2007-10-18T10:46:00.000-07:00

For those of you who have not been honored to see the best tattoo ever, here it is. Stephen Jackson, one of the captains of the Golden State Warriors, got some fresh ink in the off season. If you don't follow the NBA, Jax has had his share of trouble during the last several years (threw some quality haymakers at a fan during probably the biggest fiasco in American sports history, and was arrested in front of a strip club after shooting his gun in the air).

You can't tell what the tattoo is?

The image shows two praying hands in front of a church window holding a gun. "I pray I never have to use it again," he explained to reporters."

As my friend pointed out, is he praying he never has to use a gun again, or is he praying he never has to pray again?

Praying hands. Holding a gun. In front of a church. Consider my mind boggled.

Excuse me Sir, where can I find the Fried Butter Sandwich kiosk?

2007-10-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

AMERICAAAA, FUCK YEA! Where we deep fry anything. And then eat it. FUCK YEA! We have all heard about deep fried snickers and twinkies, and fried turkeys are all the rage at Thanksgiving. But I know what you are thinking- if there was one food item that just didn't have quite enough fat or calories, it's pizza, right? Well, problem solved. Head on down to the ChipShop in Brooklyn for your own slice of fried goodness. And we are shocked that the rest of the world hates us? We are such gluttons that we can't even enjoy normal pizza, we have to fry it in a vat of boiling oil....

Here are the next food items I want fried:
- Hamburgers (the whole thing of course, not just the patty)
- Salads
- Butter Sandwiches
- Sub Sandwiches
- Omelets
- Pasta

Basically, I want the option to have any meal I order fried.

Excuse of the Day Pt. 2

2007-10-17T20:34:00.001-07:00

Parents are using the absolute go to, can't ever question it excuse: Religion. The reason? They don't want to get their children vaccinated. You know- vaccines for harmless diseases like measles, mumps, chickenpox, diphtheria and whooping cough. Kindergartens require children to get vaccinated before going to class, and parents are avoiding the vaccinations based on religious reasons- even if they aren't religious!

Their reasoning?

Some parents say they are not convinced vaccinations help. Others fear the vaccinations themselves may make their children sick and even cause autism.

Are you fucking kidding me? The vaccinations "don't help"? Why do doctors give them, then? For fun I guess. And I certainly wouldn't want my kid to get sick from a shot. I mean, whats the worst that could happen?

In 1991, a religious group in Philadelphia that chose not to immunize its children touched off an outbreak of measles that claimed at least eight lives and sickened more than 700 people, mostly children.
And in 2005, an Indiana girl who had not been immunized picked up the measles virus at an orphanage in Romania and unknowingly brought it back to a church group. Within a month, the number of people infected had grown to 31 in what health officials said was the nation's worst outbreak of the disease in a decade.

Oh, yea. Vaccines PREVENT the diseases. Nothing like having people get killed because the family refused to get vaccines that were invented decades ago. What is wrong with our stupid country? The retards are obviously multiplying exponentially. In 25 years Creationism will be taught at every school in the country, Algebra will be banned as "Witchcraft," the average IQ will be below 60, divorce rates will be at 70%, and our #1 TV show will still be American Idol. Go rent Idiocracy. I think Mike Judge is on to something.

I can't wait until parents refuse to make their children do their science homework because it is blasphemy and the work of Satan. "Jimmy will not be doing his Biology homework Mr. Smith. The reason? Religion of course."

Excuse of the Day

2007-10-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

Lots of people gain weight. Lots of people gain lots of weight. There are many excuses for it. Some people just call it over eating and not exercising. Oprah calls it hypothyroidism. When you are as powerful as Oprah you get to make stuff up and becomes fact!

Jesus never tasted so good

2007-10-17T13:46:00.000-07:00

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..... Chocolate Jesus. A full scale replica of Jesus is being put on display in New York. The sculpture was supposed to go on display last April, but because of protests and controversy it never was shown. Have we figured out anything that Catholics and Cristians WON'T complain about? A chocolate sculpture of Jesus is THAT bad??? I just don't get it. Anyway, if Jesus really WAS made of chocolate, he would have melted really quickly on the cross- saving him days of excruciating pain. I would think this possible scenario would make Christians happy. And apparently humans aren't the only ones that love J-Dog.

The sculpture is actually a new version of "My Sweet Lord," created with 200 pounds of chocolate over three days. The original was stored in a Brooklyn facility where mice nibbled away at its hands, ears, nose and feet, forcing Cavallaro to toss the original and recast the sculpture.

I think even church goers would rather have a slice of Jesus chocolate than a piece of dry Jesus bread.

Language differences can make for fun interviews

2007-10-17T10:30:00.001-07:00

I am a big fan of MMA (Mixed Martial Arts for those of you who have been living with the Kayapo Tribe for the last 10 years). Wanderlei Silva is one of the biggest stars of the sport, but has never fought in the UFC due to contract disputes. He has a pretty interesting fan question/ answer interview session, where he has some great responses. Some highlights:

Q: Are you worried about receiving too many concussions and how that will effect you later in life?
A: I have only one problem in my head, and that is that I am only more hungry to win.

And that is not even a problem! Way to turn a negative into a positive. He must have been doing some interview training with Michael Scott.

I don't have any superstitions, because I am a Christian. I feel God gives me the protection I need. Before I go into the fight, the last thing I do is to talk to God and ask him to give me protection and to help me win the fight.

It's no secret that Jesus and his Dad have become HUGE MMA fans over the years. So this really isn't that surprising to me. What Wanderlei should worry about, however, is that he DOES have 7 losses. Unfortunately, God doesn't always want him to win.

Q: When you are going to the ring, how do you feel and what is going through your head once you reach the ring?
A: I am thinking that I need to give my best and that I need to win. I don't look at the public or the crowd, I am completely focused because in the first few minutes of the fight, the first or the second punch can finish the fight.

Well I am certainly glad he doesn't look at the public. That would be difficult to do. Would you have to look literally thru the stadium wall to the outside? Mindbender.

As for the UFC event this weekend, as much as I like Rich Franklin, I don't think he has a chance against Anderson Silva. Last time they fought, Anderson moved Rich's nose from its proper place in the middle of his face to basically on the middle of his cheek.

With bits of real Tiger, so you know it's good...

2007-10-17T10:18:00.001-07:00

The golfer formerly known as Eldrick Woods signed a monster licensing deal with Gatorade, and marks his first foray into beverage branding.

Terms of the deal were not disclosed, although Golfweek magazine reported last month it was for five years and could pay Woods as much as $100 million, moving him closer to the $1 billion mark in career endorsements.

Wow. A Bil in endorsements. That is just stupid. The closest I have ever gotten to an endorsement was when I paid a friend $5 to put two entire packs of Starburst in his mouth at the same time. (And he did it. It was an amazing feat). And that was more of a dare than an endorsement. And I paid HIM. $20 mil a year to drink some Gatorade? Tough life.

Reported flavors are Raspberry Tiger Sweat, Sweet White Tiger Bone Orange, and Cherry Zebra Blood.

Yes, I would like to order one of your House Cleaning models please

2007-10-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Ah, science. Such a wonderful invention. Scientists in Washington have genetically altered trees so they are able to suck up pollutants and harmful chemicals from the soil.

Researchers at the University of Washington have genetically altered poplar trees to pull toxins out of contaminated ground water, offering a cost-effective way of cleaning up environmental pollutants.

Pretty awesome, that science stuff. But I see this as simply the tip of the tree cleaning iceberg. Since inventors have been so fucking slow to get us some affordable robots to help clean up our houses, maybe these new modified trees will be able to help out.

I realize that typical trees like sun and water and all that crap. BUT- what if they could invent a tree that you pee into, it lives off of that, and then cleans your bathroom when you aren't in there. Yes, I know- genius. And I wouldn't mind having a small tree living in my fridge, it can eat all of the food when it expires, and then cleans up the fridge after it gobbles down some expired milk. Get on it, scientists! I am waiting for some house cleaning trees!!

No, Officer... I was just PRETENDING to rob that bank...

2007-10-15T21:17:00.000-07:00

A high ranking official at the Vatican was recently suspended for being caught on camera making sexual advances to a young man. The priest denies that he is gay (what a shocker!) and- get this- says he was just PRETENDING to be gay for research.

He said: "I only pretended I was gay to study how priests are seduced. There are people who go after them... I really believe there is a diabolical plan by groups of Satanists."

Wow. That has got to be one of the top 5 excuses for anything I have ever heard. People pretend to be lots of things. I remember pretending to be an astronaut or a pirate or maybe even a super hero. People pretend to be rich, or famous, or a great athlete. I don't remember ever hearing of anyone pretending to be gay. "Hi there young man. Would you like to engage in homosexual intercourse with me? I am not gay, but this research would be very interesting." No heterosexual man would ever, ever, ever pretend to be gay. Ever. For anything.

Guys love to have the "would you if..." conversations all the time. You know, the "would you eat a piece of poo IF you got to have sex with Jessica Alba," or "would you have sex with a dude IF you got $1 million???" Straight guys usually think over the second one for a split second before deciding that they wouldn't. Well what about, "Bro, would you PRETEND to be gay to IF you got to research Satanic plans and find out how male priests are sexually seduced by other men??" "Well, I wouldn't be willing do it for a million bucks, but finding out how these poor young priests get caught into the hellish web of homosexual deceit and lies would certainly be worth it."

But just imagine if this excuse actually worked and you could use it for other areas of life...

- I am not a drug addict. I did heroin for 3 months because I was simply PRETENDING to be addicted to drugs for research on addiction and recovery.
- I did not really steal that car. I was only PRETENDING to steal it for my research on how to hotwire a vehicle and then successfully take it to a chop shop.
- I am not obese. I am merely PRETENDING to be weigh over 350 lbs while consuming 10,000 calories a day with no exercise.

Really stunning that there another story coming out of the Catholic Church involving repressed sexual desires. What does it matter if a priest is gay or not anyway? They aren't supposed to be having sex at all to begin with- whether it is gay or straight. And that's just fine with me. I don't want these weird child molesters/ gay pretenders/ believers in fake stories having any offspring anyway. Is there any way that Chris Hansen and his "To Catch a Predator" entrapment professionals can set up shop down the street from the Vatican? They could have their busiest production day ever...

Poor Fella...

2007-10-15T15:43:00.000-07:00

R2D2's cousin R3D2 was destroyed in a freak accident last night. Duke Landwalker's G-Wing mistakenly ejected R3, thinking it was Duke's fecal waste. Flags on the third moon of Endor shall remain at half mast for the remainder of the week as they mourn.

Setting Land Speed Food Making Records

2007-10-15T13:01:00.000-07:00

I do not frequent the uber fast food places like McDonalds, Jack in the Box, etc too often. I do go to semi-fast food places, whether that be a local sandwich shop or chains like Chipotle, Quizno's and the like (Subway is definitely in this same category, but I never eat there). I realize that the employees of such food places are not super smart and do not have the most enjoyable, high paying, or rewarding jobs on earth. While they certainly never went to charm school (are they even allowed to smile?) they all must have come from a special planet where they train to make the fastest burritos/ sandwiches/ etc in the history of mankind.

The record setting pace starts when you open the door. As soon as you step one toe inside, they are already asking you what you want. Once you finally realize that the employee is talking to you, despite the fact they are shouting from 10 feet away, the door hasn't even shut behind you, and that there are still 14 people in front of you (that have obviously already suffered the same fate as you are now experiencing) it is time for what seems to be the workers favorite activity: attempting to set food making land speed records.

There must be some head honcho at every Fast Food HQ in the country, looking at a monster Excel spreadsheet of the numbers for each franchise location, saying loudly during a meeting, "HRUMPH!! We only made 3,943 burritos today at store #763!??!?! GOD DAMMIT! We need to increase that number by AT LEAST 3% or heads are gonna roll! THEY'RE GONNA ROLL, I SAY!!!" And so the next day begins, and the workers have a new responsibility to complete a burrito in under 4.3 seconds instead of 4.5. Sometimes they want to complete your meal so fast that they have their hands on the next ingredient before you even ask for it, just HOPING you want what they are touching on your food so they can slap it on and get on to the next condiment.

Mottos for all of these places should not be "We make the Best (sandwich, burrito, taco, salad)," but "We make your meal with so much speed and velocity that device on earth could even have a chance in hell of making it faster. NEXT!"

First BCS Standings Released

2007-10-15T11:40:00.000-07:00

The first edition of the most logical sports ranking/ "postseason" system in history, the BCS standings were released today. The NCAA regular season is unquestionably one of the most exciting and fun to watch sports seasons of the year. However, the current bowl set up and ranking system is honestly one of the biggest jokes bestowed onto a sport.

If someone asked you what the absolute worst way to decide a sports champion, what would it be? Well, besides not actually even playing a game, voting on who GETS to play in the game would be the next worst idea, right? If you started from scratch, and the creators of the respective sporting league were sitting around brainstorming, do you think the best idea would be,

"I GOT IT! What if we have a combination of people voting and computer rankings!"
"GREAT IDEA TOM! I don't want to watch the actual teams decide their own fate on the field! I want to vote on it! And also have computers help us decide who is best!!"

I obviously realize that the BCS is "better" than the system that was in place before, but that same logic could be used to say that lethal injection is a "better" alternative to electrocution. Other people argue that the importance placed on every team's regular season games with the current system makes every single game super important. Who gives a fuck? I would much rather watch 16 teams actually PLAY for a championship than to have the HAL 9000 tell me who should play the one meaningful game.

Other people like to hide behind the excuse of "If there were playoffs, then the other bowl games would be meaningless." Well, the other bowl games already ARE meaningless to everyone except for the players in the game and the fans of the two teams playing in Random Shitty Bowl sponsored by Large Corporation.

We can even keep the BCS System- have it decide the top 16 teams and have them play each other. What a concept! The current bowls can even still be used as the playoff games to keep the sponsors involved. A first round game could be the Cotton Bowl or the Holiday Bowl, with the Final Four and Championship being the major 4 Bowls (Rose, Orange, Fiesta, Sugar). Who WOULDN'T want to watch and follow this?? Someone out there actually believes that last year's Fiesta Bowl wouldn't have been better as a Quarterfinal, Semifinal, or Championship game? Instead, Boise State won a single Fiesta Bowl. YAAAAY!!

The heads of the major conferences are simply too scared about losing their guaranteed millions for their respective constituents to have the balls to make the necessary change to a playoff. The NCAA regular season is fun to watch, but wake me up when they open their eyes and realize the time for a college playoff was 20 years ago. The excuses are old, tired, and used up...

The Inspiration

2007-10-15T11:28:00.001-07:00

Pretty much the greatest athletic feat ever accomplished.